...
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
"If you're happy, you're not working hard enough."
As is my normal opening line, I'm not sure where to start.
With the panic attack.
With my job.
With school.
With my sorrow.
With his death.
I guess they all contribute to how fucked up I'm feeling at the moment. Hopefully me and depression are just passing by each other again and no one is settling in. This is me hoping for the best.
The panic attack was was the most terrifying thing I think I've ever experienced. Half heart attack/half choking for about an hour that felt like an eternity.
I don't think it's the caffeine, although I know that doesn't help.
I know exactly where this came from, though I've been leaving out of my re-telling to my family. I stopped taking my Paxil because I didn't think I was depressed in the first place to even be taking it. All it did was make me feel numb. When something good happened, it happened through a screen. My happiness has been filtered for the past what- half a year or so? I'm "depressed" now but I refuse to take the Paxil anymore. I want to feel things how everyone else feels them. I want to feel things how I used to. Like I said, I think this sorrow will pass, so I'm not too concerned for the future. However, right now, off the Paxil, I feel everything so much more since I haven't been exposed to anything (emotions,my body,my mind) that were pure while I was ON the Paxil. I can feel the blood course through my arms and my chest when I'm angry. I can feel my mind trying to shut unavoidable confrontations out for my benefit. In a way, it's neat. I haven't felt it in so long that it feels like I'm constantly tipsy. In another way, it's overwhelming, because I have to tell my body to stop shaking when I can't handle something.
Alright, now that that's out of the way, let's move to Grandpa Joe. He's dead. Now, considering Grandma Marge died a few months ago, this isn't a surprise and it is not sad. Grandpa Joe isn't without Grandma Marge anymore. I feel no tether to either of them, so my sadness is curbed indefinitely. What I do feel is anger. I'm so fucking mad at Grandma and Grandpa for treating me the way they did. My mom and her parents mutually disowned each other when I was 12. Mom asked us if we still wanted to see Grandma and Grandpa- we were allowed. At 12, I decided to have my mother's back forever and not side with the people who were making her so sad and miserable. At 12, I decided to not see them again. 12. I never saw a birthday card, I never heard a phone ring, I never witnessed an attempt on my grandparents side to try and retain the relationship they had with their granddaughter. In the movies, when the parents and the grandparents are at odds, the parents hide the attempts of the grandparents to get in touch with the children. My parents didn't have to hide any attempts because none were made. My grandparents wrote me off when I was 12 years old. How do you brush off a 12 year old? I know I wasn't a bad kid. And I really used to love them. Did they ever love me? Did they love me because I was useful to them and when the use was gone, so was the love? That's how it was with mom. How can you do that to someone? How can you treat your own blood like it's shit? How can you love one daughter more than another? How can you love some grandchildren more than the others? So, in summation, I'm not sad. But I am pissed. I almost wish they were alive so I could tell them what horrible people they were and that missed out on knowing me. They missed out on meeting my husband. They missed out on finding out that I am not like their other grandchildren because I am unique.
I think I am dropping out of school. Is it worth it to finish when you see it as an unbearable burden to carry? I cannot carry school and my family at the same time. I want to commit all my time and energy to making sure I put my all into my job so my family never has to go without. Yes, we're poor, but we're not hungry and we're not homeless. Enh, I'm digressing. Bottom line is: I hate learning shit I am never going to use and that is college in a nutshell. I think my life would be infinitely more enjoyable without the looming thought of "school" always clouding my mind.
Work. -sigh- I'm trying to think about how I should even approach this. I am great at my job. I take on responsibilities that no one asked me to. But now I am stuck where I am overwhelmed on my responsibilities and when I ask for help shouldering all of this, I am told point blank that no one is going to help me. My co-workers have school to worry about. <--lol, do you see the humor there? The golden children have no responsibilities and can drop the words "study","test", and "class" like it's going out of style and they're instantly freed of any prior duty they had. But I'm a student and get no such support. I don't get a day before the test off to study. Fuck, I don't even get the three hours prior to the exam to study! Ha.
Back to my point. I am utterly overwhelmed at work and I was told there is nothing that can be done to fix that. And I'm completely used. During my crisis-week of panic attacks and dead grandpas, I wasn't offered bereavement. I wasn't asked if maybe I should take a day off to relax and get some help for my panic attacks. I was expected to jump through my hoops and perform my tricks like it was any other day. I have been treated inhuman this week. How many times does one have to cry at work before someone realizes maybe something is not okay? Oh shit! I forgot. I don't matter. I bust my ass to make my pharmacy run efficiently. I do everything I can to make everyone else's jobs easier but when push comes to shove and ***I NEED*** to not work to gather the bits and pieces of my fucking mind that is coming undone- I'm not given any favors. I'm not shown any humanity from them. My store manager and AC have been AMAZING and HELPFUL in trying to put me back together. They know I'm not okay right now. How is it the people I work with for 9 hours at a time don't see it? WHY DO THEY NOT CARE ABOUT ME? Haven't I given enough to prove myself worthy of their respect and shit...even pity? Nooooooope. I can't believe how badly they've hurt me by not showing me any kind of concern.
Saying all of this helps, but knowing things like my job and my anger towards Grandma and Grandpa will never be resolved kinda makes me feel like I should talk to someone who can put it in perspective or something. Natalia has been a beacon of light at the end of all tunnels though. I want to say that now. I have been so self-absorbed with my weepy-ass fucking problems that I abandoned her in her time of need. AND SHE STILL LOVES ME. She still loves me in a way that I do not fucking deserve in the least. I love her more than she'll ever know and for her, I am going to fix myself. I'm going to try and wave my sorrow on so I can be strong for her.
So that's where I'm at right now. Standing upon the edge of a cliff, waiting to be Baker Acted any moment now lol. Ohhhh, what is going on up here?
I never know dude.
Love,
Hookerface.
With the panic attack.
With my job.
With school.
With my sorrow.
With his death.
I guess they all contribute to how fucked up I'm feeling at the moment. Hopefully me and depression are just passing by each other again and no one is settling in. This is me hoping for the best.
The panic attack was was the most terrifying thing I think I've ever experienced. Half heart attack/half choking for about an hour that felt like an eternity.
I don't think it's the caffeine, although I know that doesn't help.
I know exactly where this came from, though I've been leaving out of my re-telling to my family. I stopped taking my Paxil because I didn't think I was depressed in the first place to even be taking it. All it did was make me feel numb. When something good happened, it happened through a screen. My happiness has been filtered for the past what- half a year or so? I'm "depressed" now but I refuse to take the Paxil anymore. I want to feel things how everyone else feels them. I want to feel things how I used to. Like I said, I think this sorrow will pass, so I'm not too concerned for the future. However, right now, off the Paxil, I feel everything so much more since I haven't been exposed to anything (emotions,my body,my mind) that were pure while I was ON the Paxil. I can feel the blood course through my arms and my chest when I'm angry. I can feel my mind trying to shut unavoidable confrontations out for my benefit. In a way, it's neat. I haven't felt it in so long that it feels like I'm constantly tipsy. In another way, it's overwhelming, because I have to tell my body to stop shaking when I can't handle something.
Alright, now that that's out of the way, let's move to Grandpa Joe. He's dead. Now, considering Grandma Marge died a few months ago, this isn't a surprise and it is not sad. Grandpa Joe isn't without Grandma Marge anymore. I feel no tether to either of them, so my sadness is curbed indefinitely. What I do feel is anger. I'm so fucking mad at Grandma and Grandpa for treating me the way they did. My mom and her parents mutually disowned each other when I was 12. Mom asked us if we still wanted to see Grandma and Grandpa- we were allowed. At 12, I decided to have my mother's back forever and not side with the people who were making her so sad and miserable. At 12, I decided to not see them again. 12. I never saw a birthday card, I never heard a phone ring, I never witnessed an attempt on my grandparents side to try and retain the relationship they had with their granddaughter. In the movies, when the parents and the grandparents are at odds, the parents hide the attempts of the grandparents to get in touch with the children. My parents didn't have to hide any attempts because none were made. My grandparents wrote me off when I was 12 years old. How do you brush off a 12 year old? I know I wasn't a bad kid. And I really used to love them. Did they ever love me? Did they love me because I was useful to them and when the use was gone, so was the love? That's how it was with mom. How can you do that to someone? How can you treat your own blood like it's shit? How can you love one daughter more than another? How can you love some grandchildren more than the others? So, in summation, I'm not sad. But I am pissed. I almost wish they were alive so I could tell them what horrible people they were and that missed out on knowing me. They missed out on meeting my husband. They missed out on finding out that I am not like their other grandchildren because I am unique.
I think I am dropping out of school. Is it worth it to finish when you see it as an unbearable burden to carry? I cannot carry school and my family at the same time. I want to commit all my time and energy to making sure I put my all into my job so my family never has to go without. Yes, we're poor, but we're not hungry and we're not homeless. Enh, I'm digressing. Bottom line is: I hate learning shit I am never going to use and that is college in a nutshell. I think my life would be infinitely more enjoyable without the looming thought of "school" always clouding my mind.
Work. -sigh- I'm trying to think about how I should even approach this. I am great at my job. I take on responsibilities that no one asked me to. But now I am stuck where I am overwhelmed on my responsibilities and when I ask for help shouldering all of this, I am told point blank that no one is going to help me. My co-workers have school to worry about. <--lol, do you see the humor there? The golden children have no responsibilities and can drop the words "study","test", and "class" like it's going out of style and they're instantly freed of any prior duty they had. But I'm a student and get no such support. I don't get a day before the test off to study. Fuck, I don't even get the three hours prior to the exam to study! Ha.
Back to my point. I am utterly overwhelmed at work and I was told there is nothing that can be done to fix that. And I'm completely used. During my crisis-week of panic attacks and dead grandpas, I wasn't offered bereavement. I wasn't asked if maybe I should take a day off to relax and get some help for my panic attacks. I was expected to jump through my hoops and perform my tricks like it was any other day. I have been treated inhuman this week. How many times does one have to cry at work before someone realizes maybe something is not okay? Oh shit! I forgot. I don't matter. I bust my ass to make my pharmacy run efficiently. I do everything I can to make everyone else's jobs easier but when push comes to shove and ***I NEED*** to not work to gather the bits and pieces of my fucking mind that is coming undone- I'm not given any favors. I'm not shown any humanity from them. My store manager and AC have been AMAZING and HELPFUL in trying to put me back together. They know I'm not okay right now. How is it the people I work with for 9 hours at a time don't see it? WHY DO THEY NOT CARE ABOUT ME? Haven't I given enough to prove myself worthy of their respect and shit...even pity? Nooooooope. I can't believe how badly they've hurt me by not showing me any kind of concern.
Saying all of this helps, but knowing things like my job and my anger towards Grandma and Grandpa will never be resolved kinda makes me feel like I should talk to someone who can put it in perspective or something. Natalia has been a beacon of light at the end of all tunnels though. I want to say that now. I have been so self-absorbed with my weepy-ass fucking problems that I abandoned her in her time of need. AND SHE STILL LOVES ME. She still loves me in a way that I do not fucking deserve in the least. I love her more than she'll ever know and for her, I am going to fix myself. I'm going to try and wave my sorrow on so I can be strong for her.
So that's where I'm at right now. Standing upon the edge of a cliff, waiting to be Baker Acted any moment now lol. Ohhhh, what is going on up here?
I never know dude.
Love,
Hookerface.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Well then.
Katie left.
Cecil died.
I got 3 new girl mice tonight (so cute.)
We picked our wedding location for November 7th.
I won't be done with SFC until the end of the summer. But it is what it is.
Best Buy fucking sucks. They didn't have ANY seasons of "Always Sunny" or "Walking With Dinosaurs."
But they did have season 4 of Futurama. My Futurama collection will be complete with the release of the fourth Futurama movie. Can't wait.
So yeah. That's where I'm at. Could be better, could be worse. =)
Cecil died.
I got 3 new girl mice tonight (so cute.)
We picked our wedding location for November 7th.
I won't be done with SFC until the end of the summer. But it is what it is.
Best Buy fucking sucks. They didn't have ANY seasons of "Always Sunny" or "Walking With Dinosaurs."
But they did have season 4 of Futurama. My Futurama collection will be complete with the release of the fourth Futurama movie. Can't wait.
So yeah. That's where I'm at. Could be better, could be worse. =)
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Some changes.
My turtle is gone. She was killing herself to be let go. I never should've had her in the first place. She was a wild turtle that I took from her home and made her mine for selfish reasons. Chris and I let her go yesterday. It's not the same without her but at the same time, when we let her go, I know we did the right thing. We put her in a local lake. She turned around and looked at us for permission to leave and then she took off into the lake. SLOW hasn't moved in over 2 weeks (we've thought she was dead on more than one occasion) and as soon as she started swimming, she didn't look back.
Bruno has bitten me and I can no longer pick him up out of fear of him biting me again. Unless Sean agrees to take him, he has a very lonely future ahead of him. Which makes me sad. But at the same time, I had to go to an emergency clinic and get a tetanus shot and antibiotics, so I'm not too eager to pick him up anymore. Chris and Katie either.
Cecil has become obese again. I don't know how. I'm limiting his diet and hoping that will work.
The only animals I haven't failed are the dogs.
I'm entering my last semester at SFCC. Or SFC as it likes to be called now. If I pass all my classes this semester, I'll graduate with my AA and move onto UF. However, this means I have to go full-time as a student this semester to pull all this off. So I'll be a full-time student/worker. It's going to lick balls. Really.
Once I get into UF and my Bright Futures runs dry, depending on how close I am to my masters, I'll pull out a couple student loans to finish up.
Uhm, what else.
I'm having self-awareness crises' on an almost daily basis. It's hard to explain and since I don't even tell it to Chris, I'm not blogging about it here. I only mention it so you know why I haven't been blogging and why I pull away from basically all human contact that I don't need. I'm an asshole, I know, but there it is. That's why I don't call you back or do anything on Facebook/Myspace anymore.
I have no time to myself to enjoy. I have had this weekend to myself, as Chris is in Jax, and guess what I've been doing? Cleaning from top to bottom. It's really enjoyable. Except not really. It just doesn't get done otherwise.
I'm planning on tackling Katie's room whenever I get done grocery shopping tonight. She's gonna be pissed, but I have nothing better to do. I have nothing else I can do. I have no friends to hang out with. I have no fucking hobbies. I don't like doing anything.
Yeah, life is amazing.
Love,
Hookerface.
Bruno has bitten me and I can no longer pick him up out of fear of him biting me again. Unless Sean agrees to take him, he has a very lonely future ahead of him. Which makes me sad. But at the same time, I had to go to an emergency clinic and get a tetanus shot and antibiotics, so I'm not too eager to pick him up anymore. Chris and Katie either.
Cecil has become obese again. I don't know how. I'm limiting his diet and hoping that will work.
The only animals I haven't failed are the dogs.
I'm entering my last semester at SFCC. Or SFC as it likes to be called now. If I pass all my classes this semester, I'll graduate with my AA and move onto UF. However, this means I have to go full-time as a student this semester to pull all this off. So I'll be a full-time student/worker. It's going to lick balls. Really.
Once I get into UF and my Bright Futures runs dry, depending on how close I am to my masters, I'll pull out a couple student loans to finish up.
Uhm, what else.
I'm having self-awareness crises' on an almost daily basis. It's hard to explain and since I don't even tell it to Chris, I'm not blogging about it here. I only mention it so you know why I haven't been blogging and why I pull away from basically all human contact that I don't need. I'm an asshole, I know, but there it is. That's why I don't call you back or do anything on Facebook/Myspace anymore.
I have no time to myself to enjoy. I have had this weekend to myself, as Chris is in Jax, and guess what I've been doing? Cleaning from top to bottom. It's really enjoyable. Except not really. It just doesn't get done otherwise.
I'm planning on tackling Katie's room whenever I get done grocery shopping tonight. She's gonna be pissed, but I have nothing better to do. I have nothing else I can do. I have no friends to hang out with. I have no fucking hobbies. I don't like doing anything.
Yeah, life is amazing.
Love,
Hookerface.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Enh.
Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies, Rednecks
Circle I Limbo
General asshats
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind
Scientologists
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow
The Pope
Circle IV Rolling Weights
George Bush, Republicans
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled
River Styx
Osama bin Laden
Circle VI Buried for Eternity
River Phlegyas
Creationists
Circle VII Burning Sands
PETA Members
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement
NAMBLA Members
Circle IX Frozen in Ice
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
So I got a new rat last week. A male rat from Petco because I thought Cecil was lonely. Turns out Cecil is a loner. We found this out when we put BRUNO REMMY JENKINS (that's his full name, he just goes by Bruno) into the cage with Cecil and almost immediately, Cecil started attacking Bruno. Bruno is such a fucking sweety though...he never fights back. He just wants to be friends. After the fight, he runs into his hideaway and stays there forever...and then he pokes his head out to try and be friends and Cecil starts puffing up his fur and standing on his back legs to look bigger and like....trying to intimidate Bruno into going back into the hideaway. And it works. Bruno is always hiding. Well, tonight, I took Bruno out for a walk on his leash (it's very cute...once you get past how much of a pain in the ass it is to get it on him) and then I went to go put him back into the cage with Cecil....Cecil smelled him and started attacking again. There haven't been any attacks since the first night so needless to say, I was shocked. I kept yelling for Cecil to quit (he usually listens, even if it's only for a minute) and banging the cage and he would NOT stop. He got Bruno on his back and just kept laying into him. I grabbed the leash and started whacking Cecil with it...not like, whipping him with it, but making contact so he would be startled away from Bruno. Bruno was on his back and wouldn't move. He was alive and shit, but he seemed like so fucking terrified and sad. So I picked him up and we just snuggled for a couple minutes. He just laid in my arms and when I would talk to him and make little huffy breathy noises, he would give me Bruno kissies and sniff my mouth. It sounds gross when you realize he's a rat, but seriously. He's a goddamn sweetheart. Cecil has NEVER been that affectionate with me. Bruno refused to come out of his rat ball to go back into the cage with Cecil. He is scared shitless of going back in there. So I put him in our spare cage for now. I don't know what to do. Bruno is so much more affectionate and well behaved than Cecil and if I can't have them together, then I'm not keeping Cecil. I have 15 days from the date I bought Bruno to return him. But honestly? Bruno and Cecil are almost identical (Cecil is fatter) and if I was going to return one, I would return Cecil. Petco would never know. And it's not like he'd be going to some jackass kid who would feed it to his snake or anything. I don't know. It's a new problem that I'm dealing with.
I felt like blogging about it. I rarely blog anymore. I'm just so goddamn tired by the end of the night. Anyways, wha wha wha. I'm out. Goodnight.
Love,
Hookerface.
I felt like blogging about it. I rarely blog anymore. I'm just so goddamn tired by the end of the night. Anyways, wha wha wha. I'm out. Goodnight.
Love,
Hookerface.
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