Yes,my wedding was awesome.
Yes,I had an amazing honeymoon.
Yes,I have a ferret named Skippy now.
And yes, I am still busy as shit with no time to update this. SORRYYYYYYYYY.
-Mrs.Hookerface.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
New house, new job, same old shit. Totally bone.
I don't know where I'm supposed to be.
I've been looking everywhere for anything top be put in perspective. I found a blog and the woman said she felt hopeful.
I can say I feel:
-empty
-sorrowful
-mopey
-indifferent
-worried
on any given day when I don't feel like hiding it. But 'hopeful' hasn't been in my vocabulary since June 6th. June 6th. June 6th. It's almost been 3 months. And it feels like it was yesterday. I worry about my wedding day. Am I going to have to fake the happiest day of my life if I still feel like this? Fucking ridiculous, really. How do you get away from this feeling? This depression?
Hiding from it is just that. Hiding. It isn't putting me where I need to be, it's just me ducking behind something to make day to day living easier. Chris suggested a pill. I know he means well. I also know the pills will only (at best) make me numb. They won't make me forget. If there was a pill to make me forget, would I take it? Would it hurt more to forget Big Bird completely or would it hurt more to live how I am now? As much as I hate this feeling, I don't want to forget.
I want to not pretend to function like a normal human being, but ACTUALLY function like a normal human being. I want my relationship with Chris back to where it was before. I want my thoughts to not revolve around *one thing* all the time. Want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first, I guess.
I've been looking everywhere for anything top be put in perspective. I found a blog and the woman said she felt hopeful.
I can say I feel:
-empty
-sorrowful
-mopey
-indifferent
-worried
on any given day when I don't feel like hiding it. But 'hopeful' hasn't been in my vocabulary since June 6th. June 6th. June 6th. It's almost been 3 months. And it feels like it was yesterday. I worry about my wedding day. Am I going to have to fake the happiest day of my life if I still feel like this? Fucking ridiculous, really. How do you get away from this feeling? This depression?
Hiding from it is just that. Hiding. It isn't putting me where I need to be, it's just me ducking behind something to make day to day living easier. Chris suggested a pill. I know he means well. I also know the pills will only (at best) make me numb. They won't make me forget. If there was a pill to make me forget, would I take it? Would it hurt more to forget Big Bird completely or would it hurt more to live how I am now? As much as I hate this feeling, I don't want to forget.
I want to not pretend to function like a normal human being, but ACTUALLY function like a normal human being. I want my relationship with Chris back to where it was before. I want my thoughts to not revolve around *one thing* all the time. Want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first, I guess.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Will it ever stop?
Despite knowing everything about it:
the wrong timing, the wrong PLACEMENT, the fact that my Nuvaring was supposed to keep it from coming in the first place, probably the wrong genetic structure, the whole "mistake" of it all-
I miss my baby.
It hurts. Every day.
I can drink until I'm drowning in booze...
I can work so hard that I only have time for sheer exhaustion when I stop...
I sleep for days and days and days...
And my heart still aches for the one I will never get to hold.
Who were you, Big Bird? I'm sorry I failed you.
Love,
Mom.
the wrong timing, the wrong PLACEMENT, the fact that my Nuvaring was supposed to keep it from coming in the first place, probably the wrong genetic structure, the whole "mistake" of it all-
I miss my baby.
It hurts. Every day.
I can drink until I'm drowning in booze...
I can work so hard that I only have time for sheer exhaustion when I stop...
I sleep for days and days and days...
And my heart still aches for the one I will never get to hold.
Who were you, Big Bird? I'm sorry I failed you.
Love,
Mom.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
"If you're happy, you're not working hard enough."
As is my normal opening line, I'm not sure where to start.
With the panic attack.
With my job.
With school.
With my sorrow.
With his death.
I guess they all contribute to how fucked up I'm feeling at the moment. Hopefully me and depression are just passing by each other again and no one is settling in. This is me hoping for the best.
The panic attack was was the most terrifying thing I think I've ever experienced. Half heart attack/half choking for about an hour that felt like an eternity.
I don't think it's the caffeine, although I know that doesn't help.
I know exactly where this came from, though I've been leaving out of my re-telling to my family. I stopped taking my Paxil because I didn't think I was depressed in the first place to even be taking it. All it did was make me feel numb. When something good happened, it happened through a screen. My happiness has been filtered for the past what- half a year or so? I'm "depressed" now but I refuse to take the Paxil anymore. I want to feel things how everyone else feels them. I want to feel things how I used to. Like I said, I think this sorrow will pass, so I'm not too concerned for the future. However, right now, off the Paxil, I feel everything so much more since I haven't been exposed to anything (emotions,my body,my mind) that were pure while I was ON the Paxil. I can feel the blood course through my arms and my chest when I'm angry. I can feel my mind trying to shut unavoidable confrontations out for my benefit. In a way, it's neat. I haven't felt it in so long that it feels like I'm constantly tipsy. In another way, it's overwhelming, because I have to tell my body to stop shaking when I can't handle something.
Alright, now that that's out of the way, let's move to Grandpa Joe. He's dead. Now, considering Grandma Marge died a few months ago, this isn't a surprise and it is not sad. Grandpa Joe isn't without Grandma Marge anymore. I feel no tether to either of them, so my sadness is curbed indefinitely. What I do feel is anger. I'm so fucking mad at Grandma and Grandpa for treating me the way they did. My mom and her parents mutually disowned each other when I was 12. Mom asked us if we still wanted to see Grandma and Grandpa- we were allowed. At 12, I decided to have my mother's back forever and not side with the people who were making her so sad and miserable. At 12, I decided to not see them again. 12. I never saw a birthday card, I never heard a phone ring, I never witnessed an attempt on my grandparents side to try and retain the relationship they had with their granddaughter. In the movies, when the parents and the grandparents are at odds, the parents hide the attempts of the grandparents to get in touch with the children. My parents didn't have to hide any attempts because none were made. My grandparents wrote me off when I was 12 years old. How do you brush off a 12 year old? I know I wasn't a bad kid. And I really used to love them. Did they ever love me? Did they love me because I was useful to them and when the use was gone, so was the love? That's how it was with mom. How can you do that to someone? How can you treat your own blood like it's shit? How can you love one daughter more than another? How can you love some grandchildren more than the others? So, in summation, I'm not sad. But I am pissed. I almost wish they were alive so I could tell them what horrible people they were and that missed out on knowing me. They missed out on meeting my husband. They missed out on finding out that I am not like their other grandchildren because I am unique.
I think I am dropping out of school. Is it worth it to finish when you see it as an unbearable burden to carry? I cannot carry school and my family at the same time. I want to commit all my time and energy to making sure I put my all into my job so my family never has to go without. Yes, we're poor, but we're not hungry and we're not homeless. Enh, I'm digressing. Bottom line is: I hate learning shit I am never going to use and that is college in a nutshell. I think my life would be infinitely more enjoyable without the looming thought of "school" always clouding my mind.
Work. -sigh- I'm trying to think about how I should even approach this. I am great at my job. I take on responsibilities that no one asked me to. But now I am stuck where I am overwhelmed on my responsibilities and when I ask for help shouldering all of this, I am told point blank that no one is going to help me. My co-workers have school to worry about. <--lol, do you see the humor there? The golden children have no responsibilities and can drop the words "study","test", and "class" like it's going out of style and they're instantly freed of any prior duty they had. But I'm a student and get no such support. I don't get a day before the test off to study. Fuck, I don't even get the three hours prior to the exam to study! Ha.
Back to my point. I am utterly overwhelmed at work and I was told there is nothing that can be done to fix that. And I'm completely used. During my crisis-week of panic attacks and dead grandpas, I wasn't offered bereavement. I wasn't asked if maybe I should take a day off to relax and get some help for my panic attacks. I was expected to jump through my hoops and perform my tricks like it was any other day. I have been treated inhuman this week. How many times does one have to cry at work before someone realizes maybe something is not okay? Oh shit! I forgot. I don't matter. I bust my ass to make my pharmacy run efficiently. I do everything I can to make everyone else's jobs easier but when push comes to shove and ***I NEED*** to not work to gather the bits and pieces of my fucking mind that is coming undone- I'm not given any favors. I'm not shown any humanity from them. My store manager and AC have been AMAZING and HELPFUL in trying to put me back together. They know I'm not okay right now. How is it the people I work with for 9 hours at a time don't see it? WHY DO THEY NOT CARE ABOUT ME? Haven't I given enough to prove myself worthy of their respect and shit...even pity? Nooooooope. I can't believe how badly they've hurt me by not showing me any kind of concern.
Saying all of this helps, but knowing things like my job and my anger towards Grandma and Grandpa will never be resolved kinda makes me feel like I should talk to someone who can put it in perspective or something. Natalia has been a beacon of light at the end of all tunnels though. I want to say that now. I have been so self-absorbed with my weepy-ass fucking problems that I abandoned her in her time of need. AND SHE STILL LOVES ME. She still loves me in a way that I do not fucking deserve in the least. I love her more than she'll ever know and for her, I am going to fix myself. I'm going to try and wave my sorrow on so I can be strong for her.
So that's where I'm at right now. Standing upon the edge of a cliff, waiting to be Baker Acted any moment now lol. Ohhhh, what is going on up here?
I never know dude.
Love,
Hookerface.
With the panic attack.
With my job.
With school.
With my sorrow.
With his death.
I guess they all contribute to how fucked up I'm feeling at the moment. Hopefully me and depression are just passing by each other again and no one is settling in. This is me hoping for the best.
The panic attack was was the most terrifying thing I think I've ever experienced. Half heart attack/half choking for about an hour that felt like an eternity.
I don't think it's the caffeine, although I know that doesn't help.
I know exactly where this came from, though I've been leaving out of my re-telling to my family. I stopped taking my Paxil because I didn't think I was depressed in the first place to even be taking it. All it did was make me feel numb. When something good happened, it happened through a screen. My happiness has been filtered for the past what- half a year or so? I'm "depressed" now but I refuse to take the Paxil anymore. I want to feel things how everyone else feels them. I want to feel things how I used to. Like I said, I think this sorrow will pass, so I'm not too concerned for the future. However, right now, off the Paxil, I feel everything so much more since I haven't been exposed to anything (emotions,my body,my mind) that were pure while I was ON the Paxil. I can feel the blood course through my arms and my chest when I'm angry. I can feel my mind trying to shut unavoidable confrontations out for my benefit. In a way, it's neat. I haven't felt it in so long that it feels like I'm constantly tipsy. In another way, it's overwhelming, because I have to tell my body to stop shaking when I can't handle something.
Alright, now that that's out of the way, let's move to Grandpa Joe. He's dead. Now, considering Grandma Marge died a few months ago, this isn't a surprise and it is not sad. Grandpa Joe isn't without Grandma Marge anymore. I feel no tether to either of them, so my sadness is curbed indefinitely. What I do feel is anger. I'm so fucking mad at Grandma and Grandpa for treating me the way they did. My mom and her parents mutually disowned each other when I was 12. Mom asked us if we still wanted to see Grandma and Grandpa- we were allowed. At 12, I decided to have my mother's back forever and not side with the people who were making her so sad and miserable. At 12, I decided to not see them again. 12. I never saw a birthday card, I never heard a phone ring, I never witnessed an attempt on my grandparents side to try and retain the relationship they had with their granddaughter. In the movies, when the parents and the grandparents are at odds, the parents hide the attempts of the grandparents to get in touch with the children. My parents didn't have to hide any attempts because none were made. My grandparents wrote me off when I was 12 years old. How do you brush off a 12 year old? I know I wasn't a bad kid. And I really used to love them. Did they ever love me? Did they love me because I was useful to them and when the use was gone, so was the love? That's how it was with mom. How can you do that to someone? How can you treat your own blood like it's shit? How can you love one daughter more than another? How can you love some grandchildren more than the others? So, in summation, I'm not sad. But I am pissed. I almost wish they were alive so I could tell them what horrible people they were and that missed out on knowing me. They missed out on meeting my husband. They missed out on finding out that I am not like their other grandchildren because I am unique.
I think I am dropping out of school. Is it worth it to finish when you see it as an unbearable burden to carry? I cannot carry school and my family at the same time. I want to commit all my time and energy to making sure I put my all into my job so my family never has to go without. Yes, we're poor, but we're not hungry and we're not homeless. Enh, I'm digressing. Bottom line is: I hate learning shit I am never going to use and that is college in a nutshell. I think my life would be infinitely more enjoyable without the looming thought of "school" always clouding my mind.
Work. -sigh- I'm trying to think about how I should even approach this. I am great at my job. I take on responsibilities that no one asked me to. But now I am stuck where I am overwhelmed on my responsibilities and when I ask for help shouldering all of this, I am told point blank that no one is going to help me. My co-workers have school to worry about. <--lol, do you see the humor there? The golden children have no responsibilities and can drop the words "study","test", and "class" like it's going out of style and they're instantly freed of any prior duty they had. But I'm a student and get no such support. I don't get a day before the test off to study. Fuck, I don't even get the three hours prior to the exam to study! Ha.
Back to my point. I am utterly overwhelmed at work and I was told there is nothing that can be done to fix that. And I'm completely used. During my crisis-week of panic attacks and dead grandpas, I wasn't offered bereavement. I wasn't asked if maybe I should take a day off to relax and get some help for my panic attacks. I was expected to jump through my hoops and perform my tricks like it was any other day. I have been treated inhuman this week. How many times does one have to cry at work before someone realizes maybe something is not okay? Oh shit! I forgot. I don't matter. I bust my ass to make my pharmacy run efficiently. I do everything I can to make everyone else's jobs easier but when push comes to shove and ***I NEED*** to not work to gather the bits and pieces of my fucking mind that is coming undone- I'm not given any favors. I'm not shown any humanity from them. My store manager and AC have been AMAZING and HELPFUL in trying to put me back together. They know I'm not okay right now. How is it the people I work with for 9 hours at a time don't see it? WHY DO THEY NOT CARE ABOUT ME? Haven't I given enough to prove myself worthy of their respect and shit...even pity? Nooooooope. I can't believe how badly they've hurt me by not showing me any kind of concern.
Saying all of this helps, but knowing things like my job and my anger towards Grandma and Grandpa will never be resolved kinda makes me feel like I should talk to someone who can put it in perspective or something. Natalia has been a beacon of light at the end of all tunnels though. I want to say that now. I have been so self-absorbed with my weepy-ass fucking problems that I abandoned her in her time of need. AND SHE STILL LOVES ME. She still loves me in a way that I do not fucking deserve in the least. I love her more than she'll ever know and for her, I am going to fix myself. I'm going to try and wave my sorrow on so I can be strong for her.
So that's where I'm at right now. Standing upon the edge of a cliff, waiting to be Baker Acted any moment now lol. Ohhhh, what is going on up here?
I never know dude.
Love,
Hookerface.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Well then.
Katie left.
Cecil died.
I got 3 new girl mice tonight (so cute.)
We picked our wedding location for November 7th.
I won't be done with SFC until the end of the summer. But it is what it is.
Best Buy fucking sucks. They didn't have ANY seasons of "Always Sunny" or "Walking With Dinosaurs."
But they did have season 4 of Futurama. My Futurama collection will be complete with the release of the fourth Futurama movie. Can't wait.
So yeah. That's where I'm at. Could be better, could be worse. =)
Cecil died.
I got 3 new girl mice tonight (so cute.)
We picked our wedding location for November 7th.
I won't be done with SFC until the end of the summer. But it is what it is.
Best Buy fucking sucks. They didn't have ANY seasons of "Always Sunny" or "Walking With Dinosaurs."
But they did have season 4 of Futurama. My Futurama collection will be complete with the release of the fourth Futurama movie. Can't wait.
So yeah. That's where I'm at. Could be better, could be worse. =)
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